In a tea and gossip secession with friends, the topic of cheating came up and in a country where most of the marriages end in divorce, it is not surprising either that most of the conversations between two friends end there. So up comes the great conversation, why do people cheat? And most importantly why do females cheat? What is not being given to them that it becomes acceptable for them to find another partner outside of their marriage? And there I was surfing the internet, and up comes the answer. I had taken this out form a blog of an author who had made a lot of research on the reasons why females cheat and here it goes. "First, there isn’t one “type” of woman looking to cheat online. Some were looking to have sex, period. Others were looking to subsidize their current relationship with a human connection—and if it led to sex, even better. But all were clear that they were not leaving their current relationship. These weren’t monkeys getting a grip on the next branch before letting go of the first. They just wanted to feel what they used to feel from the man in their life. The most common complaint was a lack of passion and effort by the man in their current relationship. It makes sense. When a man begins dating a woman, he puts in tons of effort; he woos her. Once she’s “his,” he stops putting in that effort, but she still longs for it. She wants to be desired, seduced, and connected with on a regular basis. So many men seem to be missing the boat. They start strong, having a decent sense of how to capture a woman at the beginning, but upon entering a relationship they are unprepared for the long haul and investment a successful relationship demands past the dating phase. The situation starts to reek of complacency and satisfaction in mediocrity. Should the women of Ashley Madison leave their current relationships before starting a new one? Yes, but the sad truth is that these women weren’t looking to start a new relationship. I got the distinct impression that they were filling their needs outside their relationships until such time that he noticed he was disconnected, it became unbearable, or it ended on its own. And until then, they were willing to settle for a half-marriage with a side of passion. I still feel that cheating is the wrong thing to do, but this is the grey area I didn’t see before. To the men thinking of getting married: being married isn’t like dating. Marriage doesn’t take “work” per se, but it does require concerted effort and investment in each other, and in you. If you aren’t into it, don’t do it, as you will be setting yourself up for failure—perhaps finding your wife on Ashley Madison. Or worse, out with a guy like I used to be, enjoying passion because you stopped bringing it. Men in established relationships and marriage need to remember that women are women first and foremost—and wives and mothers second. If a man stops bringing passion and effort to his relationship and stops treating her as a desired woman, he shouldn’t be surprised when she feels forced to fill her needs elsewhere." http://www.dailydot.com/opinion/ashley-madison-why-women-cheat/

A cheat’s charter.

had found this article in the daily Mail. It was written by an author who wanted to do a research on why men cheated... i had edited the article... it was lovely reading... hope u will find the same insight in it that i did.

“Teresa had been suspicious of her husband for weeks, but as she sat in her car watching him walk into the home of an attractive blonde, she was stunned.Nick was a was supposed to be at the at the gym.
Her heart was hammering as she marched up to the front door. It was opened by a red-faced, flustered young woman. Teresa pushed her to one side.
‘I know my husband’s here,’ she snapped, as she stormed inside and marched from room to room. She hurled open the door of the airing cupboard and there, crouching behind a pile of towels and sheets, was Nick. He was naked, except for his expensive designer glasses. ‘It’s not what it looks like. You are just imagining things. Please go home and everything will be OK,’ he said….”

Welcome to the world of cheating husbands. They tell the most outrageous lies, they have one mistress after another and - most amazing of all - they often get away with it and we woman swallow it all, hook line and sinker... and the men still complain, what happened to the love in our marriage???

So why are men more prone to cheating??? Are some men programmed to be unfaithful? Is it something in their DNA, an overdeveloped sex drive or irresistible charm?? What is the reason for their behavior?

The answer is much more simpler and all the more shocking for it. After meeting hundreds of adulterers, it was discovered that they cheat because they can get away with it. Men from all walks of life - doctors, dentists, lawyers, bankers, footballers, teachers and the odd millionairs, all had cheated on their wives but, incredibly, only 40 of them had been found out. The others got away scot free and are still at it - as are many of the men who were found out and forgiven.

60 betrayed women were asked about their relationships. All except three have stuck with their cheating husbands. This was the reason why men cheat. Because they know that they can have their cake and eat from several others at the same time. When women don’t have the courage to stand up for themselves, it’s virtually a cheat’s charter.

Take Teresa. Tall, blonde and witty, she lives in a stunning house outside London with her husband Nick. In their early 40s, they had been married 15 years and had three children when Teresa began to suspect things weren’t right. The betrayed wives all had one thing in common - a lack of confidence. They were at least as attractive as the mistresses and a great deal more intelligent. But they let their men walk all over them, to be treated like dirt.

The next question is how to find a cheat….. Simple!… Call out ‘Cheat’ in any street and a dozen guilty men will look furtively over their shoulders. One would think that these men will keep quite about their antics when they fear being found out so much... This however is not the case. These men often needed one sympathetic ear and they will open up like an oil well. The male’s capacity to boast about his sexual prowess knows no bounds. Once they started reeling off their conquests, it was impossible to shut them up. Hearing them talk one can be mistaken to imagine they’d be living exciting, glamorous lives.

'One man boasted to me: "When my wife discovered by affair, I managed to make her feel guilty"'

You’d expect cheats to feel guilt, but, believe me, most don’t. The men I met seemed to find it impossible to understand the damage they had caused. They seemed far more interested in their next affair. And when they were found out, they often turned the tables on their wives.

One man boasted to me: ‘When my wife discovered my affair, I managed to make her feel guilty. I told her it was because she’d been ignoring me and had gone off sex. In the end, she was the one apologizing.’

But having spoken to all these men, One can wonder if they’re capable of love — I’m not sure they even love themselves, so how can they love their wives? And If they did, would they risk inflicting such pain on them? Because for a woman to find out that her husband is cheating on her can inflict quite a lot of pain. The emotional pain it can cause is unimaginable and the repercussions to be felt for years to come.

The wife of a serial cheat told me: ‘You see yourself for the first time through this unforgiving mirror. Suddenly every little fault and imperfection is exaggerated.. Now all the love is gone. Even though I know he’s to blame, I’ll never feel as good about myself again.’

It’s a cliché, but a lot of men start cheating when they hit middle age. They realise they’re never going to be David Beckham or Bill Gates, but they can have a fantasy life with another woman.

So, what can women do to protect themselves against cheats?
• First, be wary of women with long hair. One of the most unexpected things I discovered was that men nearly always cheat with women who have longer hair than their wives.
I’m not a trained psychologist, but the reason couldn’t be more obvious — or more shallow. They want to rekindle their youth with a younger version of their wives and long hair seems to equal youth. The simple truth is that most cheats are cowards. They are not brave enough to admit there might be problems in their relationship.
Instead, they embark on affairs that involve secrecy. When they are caught out, it’s normally down to something as clichéd as lipstick on their collar or a scratch mark they can’t explain. And if their wife forgives them, they believe they’ve got carte blanche to carry on. I’ve met only one man who stopped cheating, even though he’d never been found out.

• And that’s the problem. If men think they can get away with cheating, they will. The secret to keeping your man faithful couldn’t be simpler: be confident, demand attention and make it clear he is lucky to have you and won’t get a second chance.

By Tessa Cunningham
I’m also convinced there are faithful men out there. They have a moral code and strength of character. They don’t lie or cheat. They’re more interested in being the sort of father their children can look up to than their own selfish pleasure.


adapted from an article in daily mail. (By Tessa Cunningham)
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/

what if we woman acted just like men.....

i had taken this from an essay that i came across this evening while surfing the net. i thought it would interests u as it caught my attention.. (taken from the blogger site http://silence-is-betrayal.blogspot.com)

"Why are guys so horny?"

"...[God] had to make the desire for sex so pleasurable that most guys would do just about anything to have sex, baby or no baby. That way the generations would go on and on. But the problem is, what if he made both men and women with the same desire? What if all men and women had the same intensity sexually as men? What would happen to our society? We'd never get anything done. We'd have so many babies it would overrun the earth's capacity. It would be terrible...So God made us different. A man has such a strong desire for his wife that it brings him home after work every night to the place he can rightfully fulfill his sexual desires. The women can give to her man only if she is secure in his love and commitment. If he is selfish, uncommitted, and unfaithful, she will not give him what he so desperately wants, and he knows it. So, he is forced to grow up. He has to learn to focus on her as a whole person, not just on her body and looks. In that process, he learns to love and be loved. He learns how to win her heart. He learns self-discipline and responsibility, he maintains a job, and becomes productive.

He will have to learn to understand her, listen to her, communicate with her, and not take her for granted. He has to discover that it's not his "right" to act on his impulses, and that sex is not the ultimate value.

Instead of spending his whole life standing back and admiring his many options from afar (Look at all those girls, man!?), he begins to grow up and become close with one person. Learning to be focused on a relationship brings purpose to the rest of his life, including his career and his children."

Five to one rule and fighting fair..

ever heard of the "5 to one" rule... i thought i will share it with you... it means that u are allowed to say one negative thing about your partner, before u say one negative thing about them...

Learn to fight fair.

Just in case you didn't know, fighting is a part of any good marriage! I mention this because there are some people who live with the naïve notion that in "good marriages" couples never fight. The problem is not that couples fight, but how they fight.

If you fight unfairly, then you destroy trust. If you fight fairly, you build trust. Here are a few important pointers to make sure that when you fight, you fight fair:

1. Never resort to name calling or putdowns.
2. Keep to the issue at hand. Never bring up old stuff that may be unresolved. The present fight is not a license to dump all your old garbage.
3. Never use phrases that are absolutes such as, "you never" or "you always."
4. Never bring the other person's family into the issue to support your case or to attack your spouse's.
5. Agree beforehand on a method how to take a time out if one of you feels that the fight is getting out of hand.
6. Don't start a fight later in the night, when you're both tired and therefore more likely to have less control over your emotions.
7. And again, do your best to use "I-statements" rather than "you-statements," which feel like attacks.

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her
eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was
thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and
shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was
weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could
hardly give her a satisfactory answer; I had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her
anymore. I just pitied her! The woman who had spent ten years of her
life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and
energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned
over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken
marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I
had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said
scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly
expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could
smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by.
Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever?
She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My
marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even
notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever
negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment
conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

(taken from http://www.scribd.com/doc/36642164/Marriage)