In a tea and gossip secession with friends, the topic of cheating came up and in a country where most of the marriages end in divorce, it is not surprising either that most of the conversations between two friends end there. So up comes the great conversation, why do people cheat? And most importantly why do females cheat? What is not being given to them that it becomes acceptable for them to find another partner outside of their marriage? And there I was surfing the internet, and up comes the answer. I had taken this out form a blog of an author who had made a lot of research on the reasons why females cheat and here it goes. "First, there isn’t one “type” of woman looking to cheat online. Some were looking to have sex, period. Others were looking to subsidize their current relationship with a human connection—and if it led to sex, even better. But all were clear that they were not leaving their current relationship. These weren’t monkeys getting a grip on the next branch before letting go of the first. They just wanted to feel what they used to feel from the man in their life. The most common complaint was a lack of passion and effort by the man in their current relationship. It makes sense. When a man begins dating a woman, he puts in tons of effort; he woos her. Once she’s “his,” he stops putting in that effort, but she still longs for it. She wants to be desired, seduced, and connected with on a regular basis. So many men seem to be missing the boat. They start strong, having a decent sense of how to capture a woman at the beginning, but upon entering a relationship they are unprepared for the long haul and investment a successful relationship demands past the dating phase. The situation starts to reek of complacency and satisfaction in mediocrity. Should the women of Ashley Madison leave their current relationships before starting a new one? Yes, but the sad truth is that these women weren’t looking to start a new relationship. I got the distinct impression that they were filling their needs outside their relationships until such time that he noticed he was disconnected, it became unbearable, or it ended on its own. And until then, they were willing to settle for a half-marriage with a side of passion. I still feel that cheating is the wrong thing to do, but this is the grey area I didn’t see before. To the men thinking of getting married: being married isn’t like dating. Marriage doesn’t take “work” per se, but it does require concerted effort and investment in each other, and in you. If you aren’t into it, don’t do it, as you will be setting yourself up for failure—perhaps finding your wife on Ashley Madison. Or worse, out with a guy like I used to be, enjoying passion because you stopped bringing it. Men in established relationships and marriage need to remember that women are women first and foremost—and wives and mothers second. If a man stops bringing passion and effort to his relationship and stops treating her as a desired woman, he shouldn’t be surprised when she feels forced to fill her needs elsewhere." http://www.dailydot.com/opinion/ashley-madison-why-women-cheat/

A cheat’s charter.

had found this article in the daily Mail. It was written by an author who wanted to do a research on why men cheated... i had edited the article... it was lovely reading... hope u will find the same insight in it that i did.

“Teresa had been suspicious of her husband for weeks, but as she sat in her car watching him walk into the home of an attractive blonde, she was stunned.Nick was a was supposed to be at the at the gym.
Her heart was hammering as she marched up to the front door. It was opened by a red-faced, flustered young woman. Teresa pushed her to one side.
‘I know my husband’s here,’ she snapped, as she stormed inside and marched from room to room. She hurled open the door of the airing cupboard and there, crouching behind a pile of towels and sheets, was Nick. He was naked, except for his expensive designer glasses. ‘It’s not what it looks like. You are just imagining things. Please go home and everything will be OK,’ he said….”

Welcome to the world of cheating husbands. They tell the most outrageous lies, they have one mistress after another and - most amazing of all - they often get away with it and we woman swallow it all, hook line and sinker... and the men still complain, what happened to the love in our marriage???

So why are men more prone to cheating??? Are some men programmed to be unfaithful? Is it something in their DNA, an overdeveloped sex drive or irresistible charm?? What is the reason for their behavior?

The answer is much more simpler and all the more shocking for it. After meeting hundreds of adulterers, it was discovered that they cheat because they can get away with it. Men from all walks of life - doctors, dentists, lawyers, bankers, footballers, teachers and the odd millionairs, all had cheated on their wives but, incredibly, only 40 of them had been found out. The others got away scot free and are still at it - as are many of the men who were found out and forgiven.

60 betrayed women were asked about their relationships. All except three have stuck with their cheating husbands. This was the reason why men cheat. Because they know that they can have their cake and eat from several others at the same time. When women don’t have the courage to stand up for themselves, it’s virtually a cheat’s charter.

Take Teresa. Tall, blonde and witty, she lives in a stunning house outside London with her husband Nick. In their early 40s, they had been married 15 years and had three children when Teresa began to suspect things weren’t right. The betrayed wives all had one thing in common - a lack of confidence. They were at least as attractive as the mistresses and a great deal more intelligent. But they let their men walk all over them, to be treated like dirt.

The next question is how to find a cheat….. Simple!… Call out ‘Cheat’ in any street and a dozen guilty men will look furtively over their shoulders. One would think that these men will keep quite about their antics when they fear being found out so much... This however is not the case. These men often needed one sympathetic ear and they will open up like an oil well. The male’s capacity to boast about his sexual prowess knows no bounds. Once they started reeling off their conquests, it was impossible to shut them up. Hearing them talk one can be mistaken to imagine they’d be living exciting, glamorous lives.

'One man boasted to me: "When my wife discovered by affair, I managed to make her feel guilty"'

You’d expect cheats to feel guilt, but, believe me, most don’t. The men I met seemed to find it impossible to understand the damage they had caused. They seemed far more interested in their next affair. And when they were found out, they often turned the tables on their wives.

One man boasted to me: ‘When my wife discovered my affair, I managed to make her feel guilty. I told her it was because she’d been ignoring me and had gone off sex. In the end, she was the one apologizing.’

But having spoken to all these men, One can wonder if they’re capable of love — I’m not sure they even love themselves, so how can they love their wives? And If they did, would they risk inflicting such pain on them? Because for a woman to find out that her husband is cheating on her can inflict quite a lot of pain. The emotional pain it can cause is unimaginable and the repercussions to be felt for years to come.

The wife of a serial cheat told me: ‘You see yourself for the first time through this unforgiving mirror. Suddenly every little fault and imperfection is exaggerated.. Now all the love is gone. Even though I know he’s to blame, I’ll never feel as good about myself again.’

It’s a cliché, but a lot of men start cheating when they hit middle age. They realise they’re never going to be David Beckham or Bill Gates, but they can have a fantasy life with another woman.

So, what can women do to protect themselves against cheats?
• First, be wary of women with long hair. One of the most unexpected things I discovered was that men nearly always cheat with women who have longer hair than their wives.
I’m not a trained psychologist, but the reason couldn’t be more obvious — or more shallow. They want to rekindle their youth with a younger version of their wives and long hair seems to equal youth. The simple truth is that most cheats are cowards. They are not brave enough to admit there might be problems in their relationship.
Instead, they embark on affairs that involve secrecy. When they are caught out, it’s normally down to something as clichéd as lipstick on their collar or a scratch mark they can’t explain. And if their wife forgives them, they believe they’ve got carte blanche to carry on. I’ve met only one man who stopped cheating, even though he’d never been found out.

• And that’s the problem. If men think they can get away with cheating, they will. The secret to keeping your man faithful couldn’t be simpler: be confident, demand attention and make it clear he is lucky to have you and won’t get a second chance.

By Tessa Cunningham
I’m also convinced there are faithful men out there. They have a moral code and strength of character. They don’t lie or cheat. They’re more interested in being the sort of father their children can look up to than their own selfish pleasure.


adapted from an article in daily mail. (By Tessa Cunningham)
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/

what if we woman acted just like men.....

i had taken this from an essay that i came across this evening while surfing the net. i thought it would interests u as it caught my attention.. (taken from the blogger site http://silence-is-betrayal.blogspot.com)

"Why are guys so horny?"

"...[God] had to make the desire for sex so pleasurable that most guys would do just about anything to have sex, baby or no baby. That way the generations would go on and on. But the problem is, what if he made both men and women with the same desire? What if all men and women had the same intensity sexually as men? What would happen to our society? We'd never get anything done. We'd have so many babies it would overrun the earth's capacity. It would be terrible...So God made us different. A man has such a strong desire for his wife that it brings him home after work every night to the place he can rightfully fulfill his sexual desires. The women can give to her man only if she is secure in his love and commitment. If he is selfish, uncommitted, and unfaithful, she will not give him what he so desperately wants, and he knows it. So, he is forced to grow up. He has to learn to focus on her as a whole person, not just on her body and looks. In that process, he learns to love and be loved. He learns how to win her heart. He learns self-discipline and responsibility, he maintains a job, and becomes productive.

He will have to learn to understand her, listen to her, communicate with her, and not take her for granted. He has to discover that it's not his "right" to act on his impulses, and that sex is not the ultimate value.

Instead of spending his whole life standing back and admiring his many options from afar (Look at all those girls, man!?), he begins to grow up and become close with one person. Learning to be focused on a relationship brings purpose to the rest of his life, including his career and his children."

Five to one rule and fighting fair..

ever heard of the "5 to one" rule... i thought i will share it with you... it means that u are allowed to say one negative thing about your partner, before u say one negative thing about them...

Learn to fight fair.

Just in case you didn't know, fighting is a part of any good marriage! I mention this because there are some people who live with the naïve notion that in "good marriages" couples never fight. The problem is not that couples fight, but how they fight.

If you fight unfairly, then you destroy trust. If you fight fairly, you build trust. Here are a few important pointers to make sure that when you fight, you fight fair:

1. Never resort to name calling or putdowns.
2. Keep to the issue at hand. Never bring up old stuff that may be unresolved. The present fight is not a license to dump all your old garbage.
3. Never use phrases that are absolutes such as, "you never" or "you always."
4. Never bring the other person's family into the issue to support your case or to attack your spouse's.
5. Agree beforehand on a method how to take a time out if one of you feels that the fight is getting out of hand.
6. Don't start a fight later in the night, when you're both tired and therefore more likely to have less control over your emotions.
7. And again, do your best to use "I-statements" rather than "you-statements," which feel like attacks.

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her
eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was
thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and
shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was
weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could
hardly give her a satisfactory answer; I had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her
anymore. I just pitied her! The woman who had spent ten years of her
life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and
energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned
over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken
marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I
had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said
scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly
expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could
smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by.
Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever?
She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My
marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even
notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever
negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment
conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

(taken from http://www.scribd.com/doc/36642164/Marriage)

Its not my job

This's a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody have done.


This is so true for all of our offices, specially where we work.

Our patchwork quilt

There are so many things that we as human beings crave, there are that many wishes we want to be fulfilled but there is one above all else that we desire. To have someone who is our very own. Someone who will reflect our thoughts be there through thick and thin. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to meet someone who reflected your own thoughts, hopes, wishes, dreams and desires?

All our lives on this planet is like crazy patch work quilts which comprised of many different shapes, sizes, colors and hues of experiences. Some are a bit threadbare than the others. Some have a bit more variety and some have a bit more color. But all the same all our lives are based on the same thing. Out innate desire to fulfill the needs of our loved ones and the desire to have ours fulfilled by them. In fact, more often than not, our lives were lived primarily fulfilling the wants and needs of others. While important life lessons were learned from this, by the same token some emotional damage is done and we never truly understand the beauty of finding happiness for ourselves. Sometimes its important to give to the world and others, but sometimes its just as important to give to ourselves too..

You get what you give

Sometimes it’s a bit difficult to believe, but here is how the story goes, what you give to the world is what you get from it. That’s how it had been for centuries and that’s how it’s going to be forever more and this following Japanese folktale author had got it just right..

"Long ago in a small, far away village, there was place known as the House of 1000 Mirrors. A small, happy little dog learned of this place and decided to visit. When he arrived, he bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway of the house. He looked through the doorway with his ears lifted high and his tail wagging as fast as it could. To his great surprise, he found himself staring at 1000 other happy little dogs with their tails wagging just as fast as his. He smiled a great smile, and was answered with 1000 great smiles just as warm and friendly. As he left the House, he thought to himself, "This is a wonderful place. I will come back and visit it often."
In this same village, another little dog, who was not quite as happy as the first one, decided to visit the house. He slowly climbed the stairs and hung his head low as he looked into the door. When he saw the 1000 unfriendly looking dogs staring back at him, he growled at them and was horrified to see 1000 little dogs growling back at him. As he left, he thought to himself, "That is a horrible place, and I will never go back there again."


All the faces in the world are mirrors. What kind of reflections do you see in the faces of the people you meet is the what they see reflected in our faces, our body language and our attitudes. If they see kindness they would most probably return the kindness. If however, all they see is contempt, than the same will be returned back to us two fold. (ofcos there are exceptions to this rule but generally this is the pattern that is followed)

(Story taken from : House of 1000 Mirrors, The by: Author Unknown, Japanese folktale)

Expectations

As we all get “older” most of us realize that we spend way too much time trying to “be a certain something” or reach a “certain goal, post, destination” only to get there and find out it is not all it was cracked up to be. Too late we realize that sometimes it’s more important to just enjoy the journey than concentrate on the destination, the end point.


We put far more expectations on the goals that we had set for our selves, or in most cases the goals that society had dictated for us, that we break ourselves in the effort to fulfill those expectations. Expectations which are build up over a lifetime of experiences operate in the present. Having great expectations and ambitions always sound good, however when these expectations are unfulfilled, we groan, we moan, we become disillusioned and more often than not, we go out hunting for victims on who’s shoulders we can place the blame for our unfulfilled expectations.


Each person carries a broken dream or a shattered expectation. Some had their eyes on a certain career and for one reason or other the door to that career was closed, where as some got their hearts broken by the very people they had loved beyond another, or trusted greatest.

However as Guy Finley says, ‘Blaming others for the pain we feel each time someone fails to live up to our expectations is no different than burning our tongue on coffee that's too hot to swallow, and then calling our cup an idiot!’



So perhaps it time for us to relax on those expectations. expectations that we has placed on our own selves and on others ....... may be it will simplify things and allow us to lead a life where we face fewer dissapointments (lets face it, we will have many other things to frustrate us even if we take this out of the equation)..... who knws... perhaps it will lighten the burden that we carry each day!


"As I know more of mankind I expect less of them, and am ready now to call a man a good man, upon easier terms than I was formerly" Samuel Johnson

What if we want more than just friendship?

I believe every one of us had gone through the stage where we had fallen in love with one of the friends that we have in our circle, or (horrors!) the closest friend that we have (from the opposite sex!). And we all know how AGONIZING it is when this actually happens.

While there are always things we can do to try to move this friendship to the next level (the most profound of all advices will be given by ur best mates) - the scariest thing for all of us is that there is a very high chance of us ending up with nothing more than a wounded ego as a reward for this effort. To make matters worse, we can also loose the friendship as well….

Perhaps this is the reason why many of us remain “friends” with the people we love, constantly afraid that we may do or say something which may jeopardize even this relationship that we have with the person.

unfortunately, we are left with the painful choice, do we tell that person of our feelings and risk loosing that comfortable relationship that we are in, and keep getting hurt for the effort? Just hang in there and wait for this friend of ours to wake up one fine day and realize that he/she had been in love with us all along? (This when we think of it realistically may not happen… well, may not happen for such a number of cases. The lucky few who had been successful are an exception here. ). To chase them around and get more and more bogged down in our own head and emotions?

Or do we Cut our losses now, and end the friendship ourselves? Because the question here is, can we continue such a friendship? Can we bear to continue with a person who we no longer consider as a friend??? For who our perspective and feelings had totally changed? Can we continue lying???

TREADING ON DREAMS

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

- yeats

The Flaw In Every Women

Every one says that their woman is flawed. We are true, yet we also have strengths too… but somehow in the list of complaints these strengths get mentioned less and less every passing day…. Either its lack of understanding, or lacks wit.

But surely shouldn’t she be given a medal for sticking it out with their guy through thick and thin? So here is for all those ladies who are there for their loved ones day in and day out….

A story from the heart!

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said, 'Why are you spending so much time on this one?'And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spread sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart - and she will do everything with only two hands.'

The angel was astounded at the requirements. 'Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish.'

'But I won't, ' the Lord protested. 'I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.'

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. 'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'

'She is soft,' the Lord agreed, 'but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'

'Will she be able to think?', asked the angel.

The Lord replied, 'Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate.'

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.'

'That's not a leak,' the Lord corrected, 'that's a tear!'

'What's the tear for?' the angel asked.

The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride.'
The angel was impressed.

'You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing.'

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze most. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They don't take 'no' for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run, call, message or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
so lets remember it sometimes too......

We are simply wired differently……….

Now this is a topic that is very close to my heart, uncomfortably close if u would like to know, “Why the hell is the love of my oh so wonderful life so difficult to understand???”(C me tearing my hair...)

Did any of u ladies (pardon, men also included here) ever wonder from which part of which planet, which area of the darkest region of the universe, our partners came from? Because it certainly does not feel like we even belong to the same solarsystem (so what, i am not a believer in the Mars and Venus theory, we must have sprung even furthur).

We ladies say our partners are careless, uncaring, not listening, not being warm enough, not being compassionate, not loving enough… the list never seem to end (mind u i had revised and edited and used this list on a number of occasions for me to knwo this by heart, i can even recite it in sleep). Put the same question to the other partner and he will have his own never ending lists of complainats. He will say woman are totally without commonsense, can’t find a direct path to the toilet without the detour, have a tendency to talk too much or (heavenforbid when they are being punished, never at all), gives them a headache with all the pitchfork changes in the story before they can even reach the point of the conversation… their list seem even more endless… n there v thought we were perfect, right??)Where I am pretty sure that I am the one who makes the most sense in MOST situations, and he will inform me (ever so firmly) that he is the one who has the most sense….

So who is right? Me or him?

so now many years of research now says that we are SUPPOSED to be that way. (Amazing is it not?) After many many arguments starting with, "u are not caring enough... and ending with i am going home to my parents....", we all end up with the mind-blowing statement, its ok, we are supposed to be that way. It seems we are wired differently. this statement of differences become even harder to accept in the world where we had grown up simply assuming that both sexes are no different. (Except in the most obvious way that is) We are not the same…Imagine that!!

Now that leaves us with the exact same question, so how on earth are we supposed to solve the differences of openion? Do the females just shut up? or do the males simply plug their ears? Ans pls....

Promise Yourself

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can
disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to
every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel like there is
something in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your
optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best,
and expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on the
greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give
every living person you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, and too
strong for fear, and to happy to permit the
presence of trouble.

http://www.villagehero.com/motivational-poems.htm

More effort = better results??? always?

I believe that we all had been in the same situation at one time or the other in our lives where most of us think of ‘giving’ and ‘giving’ and ‘giving’ to our loved one as being a GOOD thing. True… it is a good thing, something that we had been taught that from the crib, and when it's done in a healthy manner any relationship that is fed by that giving will forever be healthy. Not turn into one of those poisonous fountains where every whiff reeks of resentment, resentment because it’s you who has to give all the time.

So all we have to do to keep our relationships healthy is to make it a balanced experience where we learn to give and to take from each other, where we learn to look after our own needs along with the needs of those who are cherished by us. So SIMPLE! Right!

WRONG: it's not always that simple. Many of us women unwittingly (and in a mistake belief that it will increase our LOVE) give TOO FREELY to the men in their lives. Many end up disillusioned, resentful, hurt, angry and dissatisfied with the lot that they had been served in life.

The Question however is: WHAT'S MISSING? Even after so much giving, WHAT IS WRONG?
RECIPROCITY! That’s what goes missing. And that’s what eventually poisons the whole entire pond of affection.

If in a relationship you're the one who's giving, doing all the work,... and you're not getting anything back for all the effort that is being put, (apart from that being one sided and hence being not a proper relationship )... it is a form of EXPLOITATION! (So very Ugly is it not? Had anyone ever looked at it that way I wonder?)

'But what about UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?' Some would ask. 'How is THAT exploitative?' While there is nothing wrong with unconditional love, we all should understand that it becomes “love “only when it’s reciprocated on both sides. Not on one side! (Just a healthy form of infatuation than?)

In ANY relationship there needs to be a balance. If there is no balance, and if you're the one 'doing all the work', then yes, you are the more vulnerable one. It’s not a healthy relationship as nothing healthy will ever come out of it.

This is the reason why, after many years of unprecedented love, many woman turn out to be bitter, hateful creatures. They become tired of giving love and care but receiving none in return. However this bitterness should not be laid totally at their partner’s door either. We as women had made the bed ourselves in the first stages of our relationships. We had been giving so unconsciously and instinctively for so long that we do not even know why we are so resentful ourselves and hence, we remain unable to explain the source of our hatred to our loved ones who remain confused, harboring their own dissatisfaction with the sudden change. After all, had it not worked for years? So what is the reason for the anger and the dissatisfaction now?

The only way to avoid this is to understand that you as an individual have needs of your own and when you feel strongly about something (like the fact that you deserve to be loved and treated well), you have to demonstrate some backbone. Stand up for yourself! Don’t just keep giving and giving in the hope that sooner or later they'll just magically start reciprocating.

This is not one of those things where 'MORE EFFORT = BETTER RESULTS’.

Most of us woman develop the habit of repressing our instincts even if the instincts are screaming themselves horse warning us of the danger. We have to truly learn to understand and accept that female intuition in many times, in this especially, is usually correct. If you're starting to feel that you are being taken for granted, as if he's not appreciating you enough, or that all your efforts are going unnoticed, THEY PROBABLY ARE!

What you need to do here is expend LESS effort, not more! (this is not the same thing as tit for tat or withdrawing ourselves, or playing hard to get, but it’s simply avoiding giving more than necessary and smothering the person in your love with the intention of binding the person to you)

There is never going to be any genuine closeness or love between you and a man unless he is able to RESPECT you, respect which will dwindle away to nothing if he is able to treat you like trash while getting the best out of you, when he is so sure of you that he can walk all over you. Love the man, but love yourself respect a bit too. For Without respect, there is NO TRUST. And without trust, there is NO RELATIONSHIP. At least, not one worth being in!

Because only when you treat yourself like you have some value, and only when you EXPECT to receive good treatment, and only when your love is CONDITIONAL on YOU receiving healthy, happy love in return ... THAT is when you'll get a healthy, happy relationship. Not a moment before!

My new year resolution!!!!

Often in our own misery we lose sight of what we call the small blessings in life. One very wise person once noted “be glad of the life you have just now, be happy for the moment that had been given to u… because it gives u the chance to love.. to live...”

Standing there, looking down at the woman’s face I wondered if she also felt the same. Her’s was a life well lived. She lived well.. had married well… raised her kids well and died well. But was she happy with her lot in life? Did she suffer any regrets? Or was she the lucky rare ones who don’t have any unfulfilled desires? Had she found satisfaction in life?? Had she considered that she had lived her life well? I do not know! But what I do know is that reviewing others who had lived out their lives had made me aware of the importance of mine.

In a family of unmarried siblings it’s often hard to imagine oneself old, grown n sometimes as I lean over the calendars, (countless times mind u!!), it’s easy to ignore the passage of years as simply a figure that we have to write at the end of the date. My heart still sees myself as younger… yet my mind implores “Take a second look my dear”

I, like many others in my generation had often cherished the notion of a romantic and tragic death at a young age. There had been moments in my life where I had often wished for a release from the worries and the pains that living in this world inevitably brings. But thankfully these moments are fleeting and often brought about by the bout of self-pity and the increasing melancholy. Yet as the days pass and years leap behind, I find myself quaking at the mere thought. I find myself shrinking from its embrace.

I have regrets. Wasted moments, days and years where i seem to have done nothing worth mentioning. I have not cared enough, not given enough, not contributed enough. I have not been all I could have been and should have been or all that I want to be. I have not taken advantage of the valuable time that had been bestowed on me. I had given too much importance to paltry things, too many arguments where i had mindlessly made mountains of mole hills. I had spent a major part of my life buried in a book so that I don’t have to face the world. It was not that i was a cruel person. Or that any person who have such regrets is unsympathetic. We are simply charged with a crime of not doing anything about the situation life had dealth with us. For being too complacent! Too gentle! Too ignorant!

I want to change all that. And I know that it is something that will not happen in days or months. After all I came this far I realized that change will be slow. But I am learning to make myself go out and learn, to experience, to widen my circle. Because life may simply pass you by and leave you nothing to show for the years left beside a memory, a dream. And unless we try something, we shall never know how it may have been like. For some people it may be hard. God knows it is harder for me too… but the first step is always the hardest, or so I am always told. I just hope that that is true… I believe in destiny and fate, but I also believe that it will take a person so far. I have to help myself along the way too. I am sure I will often make a lot of mistakes, sometimes it will be easy. Sometimes it will be hard but it gives courage to know that everyone goes through the same things that we are going through. I will laugh, I will cry, I will have my heart broke, several times, but I will go on… that’s what life is all about.

The path

I watch you as I watch a star,
Through darkness struggling into view,
And loved you better than you knew.
Somehow I knew, that you'd have to go
Your world was not mine, your eyes told me so
Yet it was there I felt the crossroads of time
And I wondered why...

To keep it or not to keep it!

For a people who claim to be as old as time, we do seem intent on outranking any other country in the number of political parties that we have. In the brief period since they had been allowed to form we had seem approx 10 parties come into existence. Is such a number sensible? Is it worth all the expenses and discontent? That is a question that had been put for debate. We had ratified our incumbent constitution on August 2008, dreaming of newer beginnings. But keeping the recent happenings in mind, it is understandable that some people seem to be questioning the very idea of a multiparty democracy. Upon asked many will gladly tell you that they had been much more happier and more content with the system that existed before. Many will blame them to be ignorant, careless, boneless or toothless. But the fact remains, perhaps there is some truth to what they say as well but what then.....

It is true that there are some fundamental changes that are necessary in our country, a change that is most likely to happen if we adhere to the new environment of awareness that is sweeping our nation. Granted, there is an increasing discontent when it comes to the increasing disconnection between the citizens and the elected leaders. But what of it. Will a new leader be able to solve that problem? Will he work for the greater good? Or his own good? These are questions that had been plaguing the many who remain undecided about their decision post the first round of election in our country.

Many of us question the need for political parties, and after all why should we not. A majority of them had not been able to give us a very good demonstration of what they are all about, that is apart from flinging dirt on one another – many of them seem as intent to get power as the opposition which seem just as intent to stay in power.

However need them we must, because a democracy needs “strong” “sustainable parties” which have the capacity and ability to provide policy choices that shows us that they have the ability to govern for the public good. To preserve and protect individual rights and freedoms, a democratic people must work together to shape the government of their choosing.

Unfortunately many of our “political leaders” seem to have forgotten the public good. Public good had been given the back seat in the bit to rank themselves the position of power. A representative democracy such as the one “we the people” are aiming for will be hard to achieve with there being no or one political party. But will our coalition which at best of times had been weak and which by its very own admission is together for one and one purpose alone “being down the incumbent president”, be strong enough to withstand the pressures that will inevitably be put before them in the time to come...

A lot of people believe that the solutions will come magically to them if they abstain from voting the second time, the ostrich syndrome i say. hiding our heads in the sand will not give us the solution, infact it robs from us the right to open our mouths the next time, harping on one injustice or the other. after all what right do those people have now to shout, when they did not choose to participate in building the nation.

Handling love

If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart. If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love him/her, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return.
Do not take advantage, do not cause pain.

How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and she falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame, Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time.

Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away.

Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you.
Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit.
Give it to the world around you in anyway you can.

This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them.

The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as need.
They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love.
They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into saying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you.

But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do. Love always has been and always will be a mystery.

Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life.
Don't deny love just only you don't want to be hurt...

IF YOU KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN,
IT WILL COME AGAIN!

(a card form 231greetings.com)

From a distance

Few days back I was reminded of what really matters in my life and spent quite a while thanking god for the considerably long list of things that i am grateful for (c me good right!!! hah) . I had lived many years, and lived well I hope. Had lots of friends, hopefully had made a difference in many other lives as well (like they had been instrumental in mine).

Thankfully I have had the pleasure of having some pretty good and consistent friends in my life. A couple of them I had been friends for nearly twelve years and we have easily got to the point that we feel no hesitation in calling each other twice or thrice or even more depending on our moods. Most of these life long friends had been collected and treasured over a life time.

However, one should not always claim to have met the best of people in life. I had met and grew up and grew out of a lot of odd flakes and disloyal people but every time I come across such a character I always feel extreme pleasure in knowing that in my life there are people who I can bother at three in the morning, just because I have a heartache. I am lucky to have a small circle of close friends have been through a lot of "friend stuff” with me and are still tight.

Luckily, the hype I made for myself in college didn't let me down either when i was studying and I developed some great friends throughout my time there. Lots of surprises in that people who I never thought I'd be friends with are now among the closest of buddies. Sadly, I did move again and left all of those friends behind. However, I still feel a connection with them despite the distance. We still call each other every now and then to catch up. It's very difficult to keep in touch when you're so far away, we email and play phone tag, but it's always "I love you and I miss you, Always know that I'm here" and that's just a wonderful source of warm & fuzzy when you need it. We still bond after all these years. therefore the lesson learnt here is that Friends can live far away or right next door, can have radically different backgrounds, can argue and make up, and can stay best friends forever - if they know how to keep a friendship alive. Friendships also have different depths; some are closer to the heart, some more superficial-but they're all useful and good.

I discovered that having good friends is especially helpful when I am going through any kind of hard time (like last week, and one often discovers who ones friends are and who should not be included in this list in moments like this): experiencing anxiety, depression, delusional thinking; living having a loss in your life (like going through a particularly tough breakup); or just being under a lot of stress. At times like these, good friends and supporters can make all the difference.

When you are with good friends you feel good about yourself, and you are glad to be with them. A friend who respects and trust you and the feelings are mutual. A person who understands and accepts us as who we are and leaves us space to change and grow.
A man in a focus group said, "Friendship is a continuing source of bonding, releasing, and creating in yourself and with the other person. There is an emotional bond." And this evening i felt particularly glad that i have the set of frirnds that i have...